I Want To...

I want to:

1) Go to Vegas: For several years, I've be totally over Sin City. But suddenly, I want to go, stay in a gorgeous hotel room, eat at *nearly* unbelievable restaurants (I still contend they aren't ever as good as the originals), lay by the pool, and feel like I'm totally indulging in ME. I have no desire to gamble, but I want to feel like I have no responsibilities. At all.

2) Go to Colorado. Road trip. I've always picked up and driven to see Jan and Bill when I'm at transitional periods in my life. I actually want to bring Will and Sam along for this adventure. Maybe we can have our first hotel experience along the way, somewhere in rural Nevada where we can hole up in a cheap room and eat delivery pizza and sleep all three of us in a king-sized motel bed.

3) Go to Burning Man. I want to feel free - free to do/be/act/live exactly how I want to for a few days. Wear what I want, breathe dust, hear house music, watch people, meet people, close my eyes and feel ALIVE. Be out when I want to be out, or hiding in my tent when I want to feel small. To feel that total lack of judgement, if it still exists now that there are 50,000 people there, would be amazing.

I think this is all just a desire to have a departure from what my reality is right now. I don't see a break anytime in my future. Not even for one night.

This past Friday night, I asked Josh to take the boys overnight for the first time by himself since we separated. I wanted to go have dinner with a friend, and not feel like I needed to drive home. I wanted to sleep past 7 a.m. Josh said he was thrilled, and promised to stay 100% sober and totally in charge of taking care of the boys. He promised me "no weed and no wine" multiple times.

I went away, had dinner, had some wine, and suddenly had the feeling that I needed to go home. Immediately. Now. Luckily I sober enough to drive, so I went home at 2 a.m. When I opened the garage door, I was greeted with the overwhelming smell of pot vaguely concealed with air freshener. Josh was stoned out of his mind. He barely woke up when I walked in the door.

So now I can't leave the boys overnight with him at all. At least until he gets some kind of help. That's probably why I'm feeling the need for freedom, because now I know I'm 100% in charge, at least for the foreseeable future. I'm not bitter, believe me - I'd much rather know my boys are safe. But it's a darn shame for all of us that their father is such a screw-up.

It Finally Happened...

I guess I shouldn't be surprised, and I definitely shouldn't be as sad as I am feeling right now. But for the first time, Josh didn't check in with us once today. Not one call, not even one measly text making sure everyone was ok. Nothing.

And yet he's sent upwards of 300 texts to random women today.

Those are some seriously fucked up priorities.

Grace and Class

I hate Josh. I mean, HATE. I hate what he's done to me, and especially to our boys. I think he is a selfish, disgusting, awful human being.

My mantra since the beginning of all of this has been, "Grace and Class." I am going to handle all of this with Grace and Class. Well, that's all well and good until I'm up four nights in a row at 3 a.m. with a 2-year-old who is screaming, "I WANT MY DADDY!" and I'm getting calls from the 4-year-old's school because he's acting out and they BOTH are constantly asking me when I'm going to leave them...

So I sent him a series of very, very nasty texts tonight. I told him he's ruining our children and that he's destroyed our lives. Not so graceful or classy. But I felt like he needed to hear how much he's hurt me and, more importantly, is hurting our boys.

Asshat.

I'm filing for divorce sometime in the next three weeks. I never, ever, in a million years thought my life was going to turn out like this.