And Now... It's All My Fault

Josh and I had the biggest fight of our relationship tonight. We had our first settlement conference yesterday, and everything seemed to being going well (he signed the visitation order for Tues/Thurs from 5-7 and one weekend day for 8 hours), until my attorney brought up the fact that I might be entitled to part of his pension. I knew this was going to be a sensitive topic for him because he needs that pension in order to never have to actually have a "job" again, but he reacted more violently than I thought he would. Instead of rehashing, here is the email I sent my attorney tonight in hopes of anticipating what might come next:

Joyce,

Thanks again for being so phenomenal in mediating yesterday. I think you did a great job of diffusing all of the slightly uncomfortable situations that came up.

Having said that, Josh is definitely angry, and today we had the biggest fight of our entire history together. He said, "The gloves are off!" and that he's going to fight for more visitation, though he can't explain why he wants it. He says he's going to find a lawyer and fight everything I've asked for. While I still think there's about a 15% chance of him actually finding someone (he made no effort today, based on my sleuthing), there are a few things I want to document while I'm thinking about them:

1) He is very angry that I won't let him have the boys overnight. I told him I've given him two chances to have them and remain sober, and he's failed at both. On July 22nd, 2011, I told him he could have the boys overnight as I had a work dinner to attend and didn't want to have to worry about driving home from San Francisco. He promised and swore up and down that he would remain sober the entire night. I attended the dinner, but at 1 a.m. I had a feeling that I should go home, and was fine to drive, so I drove home. When I opened my garage door, I was greeted with an overwhelming smell of pot (with a little air freshener to try to disguise it). When I went inside, Josh was passed out on the couch. It took me a few minutes to wake him up (he also totally smelled like pot), and when I finally did, he was barely coherent. He said he was going to drive home, but I wouldn't let him. He then passed out again. He clearly was high/stoned to the point where he could not drive or take care of the boys if something had happened.

2) On July 30th, I had a dinner party to attend so Josh was in charge of the boys on Saturday evening. I again asked him to be sober, and he said he'd learned his lesson and yes, no problem, he would remain sober no matter how late I came home. The dinner party ended a little earlier than expected, so I arrived home at 9:45pm to find him smoking pot on my deck. He was very high, so I again asked him not to drive, but this time he refused and insisted on driving home.

When I told him today that he'd had two chances to prove his ability to care for the boys overnight and had failed, he said, "I only did it (smoked pot) to make you mad!" 1) I don't think this is true; and 2) if it is, that proves that he isn't just using for medicinal purposes.

The man has a major problem, and yet he insists he doesn't. He says if we go to court, he's going to bring up the fact that I smoked pot with him, and even encouraged it by giving him a pipe for Christmas. This is true, but that was Christmas of 2009, and at the time he was smoking once a week, not several times a day. Plus, when I did smoke with him, it was only one hit because I didn't like being totally dysfunctional, and it also was at the very most twice a week. He, on the other hand, would have many (7+) hits per night and would end up nearly comatose. And by the time we separated, he was smoking every single day, all day long.

Finally, I am 99% sure that when we met him today, he was high. He was slurring his words, had a dry mouth, and was behaving erratically. I am now really hoping it's just pot, but am concerned it may be escalating.

I am hoping he won't follow through on contesting visitation, but just wanted to have these arrows in our quiver in case he does. This is all because we are "going after" his pension, by the way. I told him we aren't going after anything, just following what the law says.

Just wanted to keep you up to date. Thank you again for all of your help!

Take care,
Blair

The part of the fight that I left out was when Josh threatened to move away. I know from my sleuthing that he is thinking about moving out to the foothills, approximately 2 hours away. I am not 100% sure why, but I think it's partially because of his new "girlfriend" (with the demon tattooed on her chest) and partially because it's cheaper, but I'm guessing it's mostly because he can afford to live there without working. When he said he might move, I told him that was fine by me, and that I'd actually prefer it if he settled in Mars. Upon reflection, that might even be too close.

But the total irony of all of this is that Josh kept saying, "You can't control me anymore." What? Since when did I ever control him? i seriously think he believes that I tried to steer his behavior. Well, if that means encouraging him to get a job, then yes, I did. But I also was 100% supportive of him through his whole retirement, NEVER pressured him to find something to do until after the RWC salary ended, and supported his decision to spend $20k+ on helicopter school (and it would have been more if it were up to Josh) because he needed to feel "good" at something. I took care of him after his cortisone injections and surgery (while also caring for his children). I deliberately never pressured him to do anything because I wanted him to find what was going to make him happy in the long run.

And yet, he still felt inadequate. And I am guessing my happiness and success with Clif Bar magnified that. I'm sorry, but I don't think there are many other spouses in the world that would have allowed their partners to not work, not take care of the kids, and not do anything around the house in order to "find" themselves.

But I was more successful, and that killed him, even though I TOTALLY downplayed it.

The final blow today was when he told him I owe him spousal support. This is true, under California law. But OH MY GOD REALLY?? You leave your wife and two really young sons to pursue a life of drugs and cheap women, you give them NOTHING for three months, you refuse rehab, AA, and any attempts to try to save your marriage, and then you take money from your wife because she has the nerve to actually work? Un. Real.

"I Feel Your Pain..."

The last few nights have been really difficult. Who am I kidding, the last few MONTHS have been difficult. But the boys are being particularly challenging right now - Sam won't nap, and Will won't go to sleep at night. I know they're both wired/stressed out/sad/angry/etc, but I feel like I still need to enforce the rules or they're going to end up walking all over me for the next 18+ years.

In the middle of all of this, Josh is completely out of touch. I know he's with one of his women. He's reached out ONCE in the last 48 hours, and this is how the interaction went:

J: "How is everything?"
Me: "Well, it's tough. Will had a great day, but Sam didn't nap and is being difficult. Hopefully we'll have an early bedtime."
J: "Well, tomorrow I'll be feeling your pain."
Me:"Heh. Yeah."

What I wanted to say was:

No, you won't. You see the boys about 16 hours per week right now. There are 168 hours in a week. That means you see them 9.5% of the week. But let's break that down even further....

You put them to bed 2-3 times per week. I put them to bed 5-7 times per week, in large part because I don't think you can handle it. And I'm right. And how many times per week do you handle the morning routine? None. Not one. Because you aren't sober enough to wake up in time to help. In fact, based on my research, you rarely wake up before 10 a.m. I feel blessed and lucky if I get to sleep until 7, which almost never happens.

Oh, and Josh, how many times per night do the boys wake up? That's right, you don't know, because you haven't spent the night in charge of them since early May (and let's be honest, before then you never got up anyway). Due to your departure, Will wakes up an average of once per night, and Sam usually wakes up twice. This means I have not slept more than four hours in a row since May. And when they do wake up, they are usually screaming for you, because they know you are gone. I can soothe them, but it takes a while.

When was the last time you did their laundry? While I appreciate your trying to make their lunches twice a week, I generally have to fix some piece of it (you forgot the drink, or you didn't label things properly). And let's not even start about the state of the house when you leave. It's ridiculous. But don't worry - I'll clean it up. Sometime before I go to work for 8+ hours and then take care of your children.

So no, you won't feel my pain tomorrow. The pain you feel is that of someone who doesn't really want to be a father. It's an inconvenience to have to deal with your children for 16 hours/week. And if you do feel pain, I'm sure you'll numb it with drugs before it hurts too much. I don't have that luxury - I'm still in charge of our children.

Asshole.