Burning Man... I went in 2002, and it was one of those totally life-changing experiences. Ever since then, I've watched "The Man" burn via streaming video most years. This year, of all years, I wish I were there. It's all about letting go, and starting over, and hopefully in the process getting even closer to who you are and who you want to be. It's like New Year's Eve - a chance to start over, but I believe on a much deeper level than sipping champagne and kissing whomever happens to be close by.
Here's what I want to let go of right now, as I watch The Man burn...
1) Expectations. I thought my life was going to be a certain way, and it isn't going to be that way. Expectations = suffering. Whatever will be, will be. I am a single mom, I am going to be a divorcee, and my children may even have step-parents and half-siblings someday. I used to think this was all very Jerry Springer, and it is, but it's also reality. My reality. So be it. Burn those expectations.
2) Josh Price, circa May 14, 2005. The man I married. Big sigh... I was so in love. He was hot, protective, sweet, into food and wine, gainfully employed, looking towards our future together with the same positive outlook as I had. I stood in front of 119 people and promised to love him forever, and I will on some level. But he does not exist anymore and he will never, ever exist again. Burn the Josh Price that I married - he is gone.
3) Fear. (Written as the man begins to fall...) The big difference between me now and me in 2002 is that I am, I believe, much closer to the real me. I know what I'm good at, and what I'm not (though I am still surprised occasionally - turns out I am a kick-ass rock climber - who knew?). And because I know myself better, it's time to take some risks. I went rafting last weekend for the first time in seven years, and had an amazing time - beautiful day, great rapids, and great memories. But when we hit the flat section at the end, I JUMPED IN. And stayed in the water for about a half an hour. This is very uncharacteristic of me - in the past, I've done everything possible to stay out of the water. But this time, instead of getting hung up on that moment when you hit the COLD water and it takes your breath away, I decided I wanted to push through that and become more comfortable in the water, which I think would make me a better guide. The result was a moment of shock, but then 29 minutes of floating. Letting the current take me where it may. Feeling weightless. And alive.
Along those lines, I went to a concert on Thursday at the very, very last minute. I was sitting at my desk at Clif Bar on Thursday, knowing Josh had the boys for the night, and couldn't figure out what to do with myself. Nothing felt good - didn't want to go home (because I'd end up being in charge), didn't want to go to a movie, etc. A buddy from b-school posted he had a last-minute extra ticket to a Taylor Swift concert. I sat and stared at the post for 15 minutes. Literally. I don't know the music. I don't really know this classmate well. I'd actually been attracted to him. I had no clue what his status in life is. It was his birthday. It was in San Jose. I'd be very happy watching "Modern Family" on my iPad in bed. But I sucked it up and WENT. It was amazing. The show was incredible, I loved the music (some of which I actually had heard before), I was introduced to a song that captures my heartbreak in a way that no other song has ("Last Kiss"), and I had a fantastic time with the classmate. Mike. I have a new crush. Even if nothing ever comes of it, it was so fun to be truly attracted to someone. We're supposed to get together in a couple of weeks to share a bottle of wine, btw. You never know...
Burn the fear. Take some risks. Maybe even LOTS of risks.
4) Josh Price, circa 2011. I still know what he's up to, for the most part, and I need to just let it go. He's dating someone who is radically different from me. He bought a motorcycle. He bought a bunch of stuff for his apartment. He smokes pot all day, every day. He reeks of pot smoke. He has done nothing to look for a job.
None of this matters. If he shows up for his visits when he's supposed to and pays his child support, that is all I should care about. And it's hard to let go, but I have to. I have to, because it's time to move on. He will never, ever be the person that I thought he could be and thought he should be, and it's time to accept his new role in my life. I never thought this would happen, but it has.
Burn, Baby, Burn. And Happy New Year.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
And Now... It's All My Fault
Josh and I had the biggest fight of our relationship tonight. We had our first settlement conference yesterday, and everything seemed to being going well (he signed the visitation order for Tues/Thurs from 5-7 and one weekend day for 8 hours), until my attorney brought up the fact that I might be entitled to part of his pension. I knew this was going to be a sensitive topic for him because he needs that pension in order to never have to actually have a "job" again, but he reacted more violently than I thought he would. Instead of rehashing, here is the email I sent my attorney tonight in hopes of anticipating what might come next:
Joyce,
Thanks again for being so phenomenal in mediating yesterday. I think you did a great job of diffusing all of the slightly uncomfortable situations that came up.
Having said that, Josh is definitely angry, and today we had the biggest fight of our entire history together. He said, "The gloves are off!" and that he's going to fight for more visitation, though he can't explain why he wants it. He says he's going to find a lawyer and fight everything I've asked for. While I still think there's about a 15% chance of him actually finding someone (he made no effort today, based on my sleuthing), there are a few things I want to document while I'm thinking about them:
1) He is very angry that I won't let him have the boys overnight. I told him I've given him two chances to have them and remain sober, and he's failed at both. On July 22nd, 2011, I told him he could have the boys overnight as I had a work dinner to attend and didn't want to have to worry about driving home from San Francisco. He promised and swore up and down that he would remain sober the entire night. I attended the dinner, but at 1 a.m. I had a feeling that I should go home, and was fine to drive, so I drove home. When I opened my garage door, I was greeted with an overwhelming smell of pot (with a little air freshener to try to disguise it). When I went inside, Josh was passed out on the couch. It took me a few minutes to wake him up (he also totally smelled like pot), and when I finally did, he was barely coherent. He said he was going to drive home, but I wouldn't let him. He then passed out again. He clearly was high/stoned to the point where he could not drive or take care of the boys if something had happened.
2) On July 30th, I had a dinner party to attend so Josh was in charge of the boys on Saturday evening. I again asked him to be sober, and he said he'd learned his lesson and yes, no problem, he would remain sober no matter how late I came home. The dinner party ended a little earlier than expected, so I arrived home at 9:45pm to find him smoking pot on my deck. He was very high, so I again asked him not to drive, but this time he refused and insisted on driving home.
When I told him today that he'd had two chances to prove his ability to care for the boys overnight and had failed, he said, "I only did it (smoked pot) to make you mad!" 1) I don't think this is true; and 2) if it is, that proves that he isn't just using for medicinal purposes.
The man has a major problem, and yet he insists he doesn't. He says if we go to court, he's going to bring up the fact that I smoked pot with him, and even encouraged it by giving him a pipe for Christmas. This is true, but that was Christmas of 2009, and at the time he was smoking once a week, not several times a day. Plus, when I did smoke with him, it was only one hit because I didn't like being totally dysfunctional, and it also was at the very most twice a week. He, on the other hand, would have many (7+) hits per night and would end up nearly comatose. And by the time we separated, he was smoking every single day, all day long.
Finally, I am 99% sure that when we met him today, he was high. He was slurring his words, had a dry mouth, and was behaving erratically. I am now really hoping it's just pot, but am concerned it may be escalating.
I am hoping he won't follow through on contesting visitation, but just wanted to have these arrows in our quiver in case he does. This is all because we are "going after" his pension, by the way. I told him we aren't going after anything, just following what the law says.
Just wanted to keep you up to date. Thank you again for all of your help!
Take care,
Blair
The part of the fight that I left out was when Josh threatened to move away. I know from my sleuthing that he is thinking about moving out to the foothills, approximately 2 hours away. I am not 100% sure why, but I think it's partially because of his new "girlfriend" (with the demon tattooed on her chest) and partially because it's cheaper, but I'm guessing it's mostly because he can afford to live there without working. When he said he might move, I told him that was fine by me, and that I'd actually prefer it if he settled in Mars. Upon reflection, that might even be too close.
But the total irony of all of this is that Josh kept saying, "You can't control me anymore." What? Since when did I ever control him? i seriously think he believes that I tried to steer his behavior. Well, if that means encouraging him to get a job, then yes, I did. But I also was 100% supportive of him through his whole retirement, NEVER pressured him to find something to do until after the RWC salary ended, and supported his decision to spend $20k+ on helicopter school (and it would have been more if it were up to Josh) because he needed to feel "good" at something. I took care of him after his cortisone injections and surgery (while also caring for his children). I deliberately never pressured him to do anything because I wanted him to find what was going to make him happy in the long run.
And yet, he still felt inadequate. And I am guessing my happiness and success with Clif Bar magnified that. I'm sorry, but I don't think there are many other spouses in the world that would have allowed their partners to not work, not take care of the kids, and not do anything around the house in order to "find" themselves.
But I was more successful, and that killed him, even though I TOTALLY downplayed it.
The final blow today was when he told him I owe him spousal support. This is true, under California law. But OH MY GOD REALLY?? You leave your wife and two really young sons to pursue a life of drugs and cheap women, you give them NOTHING for three months, you refuse rehab, AA, and any attempts to try to save your marriage, and then you take money from your wife because she has the nerve to actually work? Un. Real.
Joyce,
Thanks again for being so phenomenal in mediating yesterday. I think you did a great job of diffusing all of the slightly uncomfortable situations that came up.
Having said that, Josh is definitely angry, and today we had the biggest fight of our entire history together. He said, "The gloves are off!" and that he's going to fight for more visitation, though he can't explain why he wants it. He says he's going to find a lawyer and fight everything I've asked for. While I still think there's about a 15% chance of him actually finding someone (he made no effort today, based on my sleuthing), there are a few things I want to document while I'm thinking about them:
1) He is very angry that I won't let him have the boys overnight. I told him I've given him two chances to have them and remain sober, and he's failed at both. On July 22nd, 2011, I told him he could have the boys overnight as I had a work dinner to attend and didn't want to have to worry about driving home from San Francisco. He promised and swore up and down that he would remain sober the entire night. I attended the dinner, but at 1 a.m. I had a feeling that I should go home, and was fine to drive, so I drove home. When I opened my garage door, I was greeted with an overwhelming smell of pot (with a little air freshener to try to disguise it). When I went inside, Josh was passed out on the couch. It took me a few minutes to wake him up (he also totally smelled like pot), and when I finally did, he was barely coherent. He said he was going to drive home, but I wouldn't let him. He then passed out again. He clearly was high/stoned to the point where he could not drive or take care of the boys if something had happened.
2) On July 30th, I had a dinner party to attend so Josh was in charge of the boys on Saturday evening. I again asked him to be sober, and he said he'd learned his lesson and yes, no problem, he would remain sober no matter how late I came home. The dinner party ended a little earlier than expected, so I arrived home at 9:45pm to find him smoking pot on my deck. He was very high, so I again asked him not to drive, but this time he refused and insisted on driving home.
When I told him today that he'd had two chances to prove his ability to care for the boys overnight and had failed, he said, "I only did it (smoked pot) to make you mad!" 1) I don't think this is true; and 2) if it is, that proves that he isn't just using for medicinal purposes.
The man has a major problem, and yet he insists he doesn't. He says if we go to court, he's going to bring up the fact that I smoked pot with him, and even encouraged it by giving him a pipe for Christmas. This is true, but that was Christmas of 2009, and at the time he was smoking once a week, not several times a day. Plus, when I did smoke with him, it was only one hit because I didn't like being totally dysfunctional, and it also was at the very most twice a week. He, on the other hand, would have many (7+) hits per night and would end up nearly comatose. And by the time we separated, he was smoking every single day, all day long.
Finally, I am 99% sure that when we met him today, he was high. He was slurring his words, had a dry mouth, and was behaving erratically. I am now really hoping it's just pot, but am concerned it may be escalating.
I am hoping he won't follow through on contesting visitation, but just wanted to have these arrows in our quiver in case he does. This is all because we are "going after" his pension, by the way. I told him we aren't going after anything, just following what the law says.
Just wanted to keep you up to date. Thank you again for all of your help!
Take care,
Blair
The part of the fight that I left out was when Josh threatened to move away. I know from my sleuthing that he is thinking about moving out to the foothills, approximately 2 hours away. I am not 100% sure why, but I think it's partially because of his new "girlfriend" (with the demon tattooed on her chest) and partially because it's cheaper, but I'm guessing it's mostly because he can afford to live there without working. When he said he might move, I told him that was fine by me, and that I'd actually prefer it if he settled in Mars. Upon reflection, that might even be too close.
But the total irony of all of this is that Josh kept saying, "You can't control me anymore." What? Since when did I ever control him? i seriously think he believes that I tried to steer his behavior. Well, if that means encouraging him to get a job, then yes, I did. But I also was 100% supportive of him through his whole retirement, NEVER pressured him to find something to do until after the RWC salary ended, and supported his decision to spend $20k+ on helicopter school (and it would have been more if it were up to Josh) because he needed to feel "good" at something. I took care of him after his cortisone injections and surgery (while also caring for his children). I deliberately never pressured him to do anything because I wanted him to find what was going to make him happy in the long run.
And yet, he still felt inadequate. And I am guessing my happiness and success with Clif Bar magnified that. I'm sorry, but I don't think there are many other spouses in the world that would have allowed their partners to not work, not take care of the kids, and not do anything around the house in order to "find" themselves.
But I was more successful, and that killed him, even though I TOTALLY downplayed it.
The final blow today was when he told him I owe him spousal support. This is true, under California law. But OH MY GOD REALLY?? You leave your wife and two really young sons to pursue a life of drugs and cheap women, you give them NOTHING for three months, you refuse rehab, AA, and any attempts to try to save your marriage, and then you take money from your wife because she has the nerve to actually work? Un. Real.
Monday, August 29, 2011
"I Feel Your Pain..."
The last few nights have been really difficult. Who am I kidding, the last few MONTHS have been difficult. But the boys are being particularly challenging right now - Sam won't nap, and Will won't go to sleep at night. I know they're both wired/stressed out/sad/angry/etc, but I feel like I still need to enforce the rules or they're going to end up walking all over me for the next 18+ years.
In the middle of all of this, Josh is completely out of touch. I know he's with one of his women. He's reached out ONCE in the last 48 hours, and this is how the interaction went:
J: "How is everything?"
Me: "Well, it's tough. Will had a great day, but Sam didn't nap and is being difficult. Hopefully we'll have an early bedtime."
J: "Well, tomorrow I'll be feeling your pain."
Me:"Heh. Yeah."
What I wanted to say was:
No, you won't. You see the boys about 16 hours per week right now. There are 168 hours in a week. That means you see them 9.5% of the week. But let's break that down even further....
You put them to bed 2-3 times per week. I put them to bed 5-7 times per week, in large part because I don't think you can handle it. And I'm right. And how many times per week do you handle the morning routine? None. Not one. Because you aren't sober enough to wake up in time to help. In fact, based on my research, you rarely wake up before 10 a.m. I feel blessed and lucky if I get to sleep until 7, which almost never happens.
Oh, and Josh, how many times per night do the boys wake up? That's right, you don't know, because you haven't spent the night in charge of them since early May (and let's be honest, before then you never got up anyway). Due to your departure, Will wakes up an average of once per night, and Sam usually wakes up twice. This means I have not slept more than four hours in a row since May. And when they do wake up, they are usually screaming for you, because they know you are gone. I can soothe them, but it takes a while.
When was the last time you did their laundry? While I appreciate your trying to make their lunches twice a week, I generally have to fix some piece of it (you forgot the drink, or you didn't label things properly). And let's not even start about the state of the house when you leave. It's ridiculous. But don't worry - I'll clean it up. Sometime before I go to work for 8+ hours and then take care of your children.
So no, you won't feel my pain tomorrow. The pain you feel is that of someone who doesn't really want to be a father. It's an inconvenience to have to deal with your children for 16 hours/week. And if you do feel pain, I'm sure you'll numb it with drugs before it hurts too much. I don't have that luxury - I'm still in charge of our children.
Asshole.
In the middle of all of this, Josh is completely out of touch. I know he's with one of his women. He's reached out ONCE in the last 48 hours, and this is how the interaction went:
J: "How is everything?"
Me: "Well, it's tough. Will had a great day, but Sam didn't nap and is being difficult. Hopefully we'll have an early bedtime."
J: "Well, tomorrow I'll be feeling your pain."
Me:"Heh. Yeah."
What I wanted to say was:
No, you won't. You see the boys about 16 hours per week right now. There are 168 hours in a week. That means you see them 9.5% of the week. But let's break that down even further....
You put them to bed 2-3 times per week. I put them to bed 5-7 times per week, in large part because I don't think you can handle it. And I'm right. And how many times per week do you handle the morning routine? None. Not one. Because you aren't sober enough to wake up in time to help. In fact, based on my research, you rarely wake up before 10 a.m. I feel blessed and lucky if I get to sleep until 7, which almost never happens.
Oh, and Josh, how many times per night do the boys wake up? That's right, you don't know, because you haven't spent the night in charge of them since early May (and let's be honest, before then you never got up anyway). Due to your departure, Will wakes up an average of once per night, and Sam usually wakes up twice. This means I have not slept more than four hours in a row since May. And when they do wake up, they are usually screaming for you, because they know you are gone. I can soothe them, but it takes a while.
When was the last time you did their laundry? While I appreciate your trying to make their lunches twice a week, I generally have to fix some piece of it (you forgot the drink, or you didn't label things properly). And let's not even start about the state of the house when you leave. It's ridiculous. But don't worry - I'll clean it up. Sometime before I go to work for 8+ hours and then take care of your children.
So no, you won't feel my pain tomorrow. The pain you feel is that of someone who doesn't really want to be a father. It's an inconvenience to have to deal with your children for 16 hours/week. And if you do feel pain, I'm sure you'll numb it with drugs before it hurts too much. I don't have that luxury - I'm still in charge of our children.
Asshole.
Monday, July 25, 2011
I Want To...
I want to:
1) Go to Vegas: For several years, I've be totally over Sin City. But suddenly, I want to go, stay in a gorgeous hotel room, eat at *nearly* unbelievable restaurants (I still contend they aren't ever as good as the originals), lay by the pool, and feel like I'm totally indulging in ME. I have no desire to gamble, but I want to feel like I have no responsibilities. At all.
2) Go to Colorado. Road trip. I've always picked up and driven to see Jan and Bill when I'm at transitional periods in my life. I actually want to bring Will and Sam along for this adventure. Maybe we can have our first hotel experience along the way, somewhere in rural Nevada where we can hole up in a cheap room and eat delivery pizza and sleep all three of us in a king-sized motel bed.
3) Go to Burning Man. I want to feel free - free to do/be/act/live exactly how I want to for a few days. Wear what I want, breathe dust, hear house music, watch people, meet people, close my eyes and feel ALIVE. Be out when I want to be out, or hiding in my tent when I want to feel small. To feel that total lack of judgement, if it still exists now that there are 50,000 people there, would be amazing.
I think this is all just a desire to have a departure from what my reality is right now. I don't see a break anytime in my future. Not even for one night.
This past Friday night, I asked Josh to take the boys overnight for the first time by himself since we separated. I wanted to go have dinner with a friend, and not feel like I needed to drive home. I wanted to sleep past 7 a.m. Josh said he was thrilled, and promised to stay 100% sober and totally in charge of taking care of the boys. He promised me "no weed and no wine" multiple times.
I went away, had dinner, had some wine, and suddenly had the feeling that I needed to go home. Immediately. Now. Luckily I sober enough to drive, so I went home at 2 a.m. When I opened the garage door, I was greeted with the overwhelming smell of pot vaguely concealed with air freshener. Josh was stoned out of his mind. He barely woke up when I walked in the door.
So now I can't leave the boys overnight with him at all. At least until he gets some kind of help. That's probably why I'm feeling the need for freedom, because now I know I'm 100% in charge, at least for the foreseeable future. I'm not bitter, believe me - I'd much rather know my boys are safe. But it's a darn shame for all of us that their father is such a screw-up.
1) Go to Vegas: For several years, I've be totally over Sin City. But suddenly, I want to go, stay in a gorgeous hotel room, eat at *nearly* unbelievable restaurants (I still contend they aren't ever as good as the originals), lay by the pool, and feel like I'm totally indulging in ME. I have no desire to gamble, but I want to feel like I have no responsibilities. At all.
2) Go to Colorado. Road trip. I've always picked up and driven to see Jan and Bill when I'm at transitional periods in my life. I actually want to bring Will and Sam along for this adventure. Maybe we can have our first hotel experience along the way, somewhere in rural Nevada where we can hole up in a cheap room and eat delivery pizza and sleep all three of us in a king-sized motel bed.
3) Go to Burning Man. I want to feel free - free to do/be/act/live exactly how I want to for a few days. Wear what I want, breathe dust, hear house music, watch people, meet people, close my eyes and feel ALIVE. Be out when I want to be out, or hiding in my tent when I want to feel small. To feel that total lack of judgement, if it still exists now that there are 50,000 people there, would be amazing.
I think this is all just a desire to have a departure from what my reality is right now. I don't see a break anytime in my future. Not even for one night.
This past Friday night, I asked Josh to take the boys overnight for the first time by himself since we separated. I wanted to go have dinner with a friend, and not feel like I needed to drive home. I wanted to sleep past 7 a.m. Josh said he was thrilled, and promised to stay 100% sober and totally in charge of taking care of the boys. He promised me "no weed and no wine" multiple times.
I went away, had dinner, had some wine, and suddenly had the feeling that I needed to go home. Immediately. Now. Luckily I sober enough to drive, so I went home at 2 a.m. When I opened the garage door, I was greeted with the overwhelming smell of pot vaguely concealed with air freshener. Josh was stoned out of his mind. He barely woke up when I walked in the door.
So now I can't leave the boys overnight with him at all. At least until he gets some kind of help. That's probably why I'm feeling the need for freedom, because now I know I'm 100% in charge, at least for the foreseeable future. I'm not bitter, believe me - I'd much rather know my boys are safe. But it's a darn shame for all of us that their father is such a screw-up.
Monday, July 18, 2011
It Finally Happened...
I guess I shouldn't be surprised, and I definitely shouldn't be as sad as I am feeling right now. But for the first time, Josh didn't check in with us once today. Not one call, not even one measly text making sure everyone was ok. Nothing.
And yet he's sent upwards of 300 texts to random women today.
Those are some seriously fucked up priorities.
And yet he's sent upwards of 300 texts to random women today.
Those are some seriously fucked up priorities.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Grace and Class
I hate Josh. I mean, HATE. I hate what he's done to me, and especially to our boys. I think he is a selfish, disgusting, awful human being.
My mantra since the beginning of all of this has been, "Grace and Class." I am going to handle all of this with Grace and Class. Well, that's all well and good until I'm up four nights in a row at 3 a.m. with a 2-year-old who is screaming, "I WANT MY DADDY!" and I'm getting calls from the 4-year-old's school because he's acting out and they BOTH are constantly asking me when I'm going to leave them...
So I sent him a series of very, very nasty texts tonight. I told him he's ruining our children and that he's destroyed our lives. Not so graceful or classy. But I felt like he needed to hear how much he's hurt me and, more importantly, is hurting our boys.
Asshat.
I'm filing for divorce sometime in the next three weeks. I never, ever, in a million years thought my life was going to turn out like this.
My mantra since the beginning of all of this has been, "Grace and Class." I am going to handle all of this with Grace and Class. Well, that's all well and good until I'm up four nights in a row at 3 a.m. with a 2-year-old who is screaming, "I WANT MY DADDY!" and I'm getting calls from the 4-year-old's school because he's acting out and they BOTH are constantly asking me when I'm going to leave them...
So I sent him a series of very, very nasty texts tonight. I told him he's ruining our children and that he's destroyed our lives. Not so graceful or classy. But I felt like he needed to hear how much he's hurt me and, more importantly, is hurting our boys.
Asshat.
I'm filing for divorce sometime in the next three weeks. I never, ever, in a million years thought my life was going to turn out like this.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Strength (Part 2)
So many people keep telling me how strong I am. Well, I'm not. Here's a perfect example:
Josh has been quite charming lately. He shows up on time, sober, and ready to help with is visits with the kiddos. He tells me how much he wants me, and how great I look. He alludes to how much he would love to soak in our bath tub (which I haven't had the gumption to use since he left), and how it would be way better if he weren't alone.
Tonight, I was ready to give in. Hell, I'm human, and it's been almost two months. I would LOVE the touch of another human being who frankly wasn't 2. So I asked him to stay, and made it pretty clear it would be worth his while.
However, after putting the boys down for the night, Josh BOLTED. He left before I was even finished rocking Sam. Gone.
I was confused, so I texted him saying, "Uh... bye?" He said he had to get home to take his meds and ice his neck. I believed him. Until I thought about it a little realized... he totally had a date. Mutherfucker had a date.
I feel like the biggest idiot EVER. Here I was, ready to give him the ultimate in marital comforts, and he not only lied to me but then left to see another woman. I honestly thought we were getting a little closer, maybe even approaching the idea of mending some fences.
I often blame being naive and expecting the best from people on being from Ohio. Midwesterners, on the whole, tend to be good, wholesome people who assume that people are good and wait to be proven otherwise. I guess my next question is how many times do I need to proven otherwise?
FML.
So I texted him the following (because he really has been in pain lately):
"...something to think about - if you have to have surgery again, who do you want there when you wake up? If we are going to divorce, I love you but I will not be there to take care of you."
I also told him that Will asked me tonight if Daddy left because he doesn't love us anymore. That was one of the more brutal questions I've had to answer in a LONG time.
So the answer is no, I'm not strong. I may be stronger tomorrow due to my (almost) weakness tonight, but overall I am not a strong person.
Josh has been quite charming lately. He shows up on time, sober, and ready to help with is visits with the kiddos. He tells me how much he wants me, and how great I look. He alludes to how much he would love to soak in our bath tub (which I haven't had the gumption to use since he left), and how it would be way better if he weren't alone.
Tonight, I was ready to give in. Hell, I'm human, and it's been almost two months. I would LOVE the touch of another human being who frankly wasn't 2. So I asked him to stay, and made it pretty clear it would be worth his while.
However, after putting the boys down for the night, Josh BOLTED. He left before I was even finished rocking Sam. Gone.
I was confused, so I texted him saying, "Uh... bye?" He said he had to get home to take his meds and ice his neck. I believed him. Until I thought about it a little realized... he totally had a date. Mutherfucker had a date.
I feel like the biggest idiot EVER. Here I was, ready to give him the ultimate in marital comforts, and he not only lied to me but then left to see another woman. I honestly thought we were getting a little closer, maybe even approaching the idea of mending some fences.
I often blame being naive and expecting the best from people on being from Ohio. Midwesterners, on the whole, tend to be good, wholesome people who assume that people are good and wait to be proven otherwise. I guess my next question is how many times do I need to proven otherwise?
FML.
So I texted him the following (because he really has been in pain lately):
"...something to think about - if you have to have surgery again, who do you want there when you wake up? If we are going to divorce, I love you but I will not be there to take care of you."
I also told him that Will asked me tonight if Daddy left because he doesn't love us anymore. That was one of the more brutal questions I've had to answer in a LONG time.
So the answer is no, I'm not strong. I may be stronger tomorrow due to my (almost) weakness tonight, but overall I am not a strong person.
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