Strength (Part 2)

So many people keep telling me how strong I am. Well, I'm not. Here's a perfect example:

Josh has been quite charming lately. He shows up on time, sober, and ready to help with is visits with the kiddos. He tells me how much he wants me, and how great I look. He alludes to how much he would love to soak in our bath tub (which I haven't had the gumption to use since he left), and how it would be way better if he weren't alone.

Tonight, I was ready to give in. Hell, I'm human, and it's been almost two months. I would LOVE the touch of another human being who frankly wasn't 2. So I asked him to stay, and made it pretty clear it would be worth his while.

However, after putting the boys down for the night, Josh BOLTED. He left before I was even finished rocking Sam. Gone.

I was confused, so I texted him saying, "Uh... bye?" He said he had to get home to take his meds and ice his neck. I believed him. Until I thought about it a little realized... he totally had a date. Mutherfucker had a date.

I feel like the biggest idiot EVER. Here I was, ready to give him the ultimate in marital comforts, and he not only lied to me but then left to see another woman. I honestly thought we were getting a little closer, maybe even approaching the idea of mending some fences.

I often blame being naive and expecting the best from people on being from Ohio. Midwesterners, on the whole, tend to be good, wholesome people who assume that people are good and wait to be proven otherwise. I guess my next question is how many times do I need to proven otherwise?

FML.

So I texted him the following (because he really has been in pain lately):

"...something to think about - if you have to have surgery again, who do you want there when you wake up? If we are going to divorce, I love you but I will not be there to take care of you."

I also told him that Will asked me tonight if Daddy left because he doesn't love us anymore. That was one of the more brutal questions I've had to answer in a LONG time.

So the answer is no, I'm not strong. I may be stronger tomorrow due to my (almost) weakness tonight, but overall I am not a strong person.