My Situation

So I've had a glass of wine, which is why I have the nerve to post this. I'm a big believer in being honest and open, in hopes that I prevent others from making the same mistakes I make.

Anyway... "D"H and I are separated. I went out of town for a few days to visit a friend who has a baby in the NICU in a strange city. I got back yesterday, and was up with DS2 in the middle of the night. I couldn't go back to sleep, so I hopped on our home computer at 3 a.m. DH's email was up, and I saw that while I was gone he solicited prostitutes to come to OUR HOME while DS2 was sleeping (DS1 was with me).

I found this out at 3 a.m. By 5 a.m., I'd found several accounts he'd set up on adult "dating" websites as well as a lengthy email train with an ex girlfriend and evidence of a multiple-hour phone call.

I woke him up at 5:45a and told him to get out. So he's gone. He left me a long, tearful voicemail this afternoon saying he was so drunk he doesn't remember contacting the hookers (and he was in charge of DS2 at the time??!!) and that he didn't go through with it. I told him he is not to contact me or our boys until I reach out to him, which probably won't be until next week.

This isn't the first time I've caught him being totally inappropriate online, and I feel like the trust is completely gone. I alluded in CW a few weeks ago to the fact that he has a major drinking/substance abuse problem and this is just the final straw.

My sister is coming tomorrow to help with the boys for the weekend, and hopefully I'll have a little time to clear my head and figure out what comes next.

I'm sad, REALLY ANGRY, and mostly just so, so worried about my boys. I don't want them to pay for my mistakes, but I guess that's inevitable at this point. And I'm terrified of life as a single mom, but I'll hopefully figure that part out (anyone want to come be my free nanny?).

If anyone has any kind of advice, I welcome it all with an open mind and heart. Otherwise a hug or two would be so appreciated right now.