Updates

First of all, I want to thank you all SO much for the outpouring of support last week. You guys were the first people I told, and I can't explain how much your responses, emails and FB messages have helped me be strong this week.

The short update is I'm doing okay. DH has been out of the house for a week now, and we've agreed to a six-month separation. Over the course of the week, a few things have come to light about his drinking problem, and it's actually much, much worse than I thought. I don't want to go into too much detail, but it became very clear that I cannot let him drive with the boys anymore, and for right now I'm only letting him see them for short periods of time with the understanding that he be 100% sober and stay that way while visiting.

DH is, needless to say, unbelievably remorseful. He swears up and down that he's never cheated on me. He cries when I see him and when we talk, which isn't very often right now. But as I've told him, I have ZERO trust in him right now.

The reality is, he's sick. He needs help. He thinks if he goes to a few AA meetings then everything is going to be ok, but it's not. Hence the 6-month separation - he needs to pull his life together (sobriety, JOB, etc.), and even then it may not be enough to restore what we've lost.

So I'm hanging in there. Being a suddenly single mom has been a challenge, particularly because i have two boys in separate preschools and my commute is an hour (but luckily I'm a contractor, so I've just cut my hours back a bit and am trying to get used to doing work at home late at night). I'm really tired, but primarily because both boys are waking up multiple times per night, S with a cough and W missing Daddy (finally just had him sleep with me last night - probably not entirely wise, but working fine for now). The boys definitely miss Daddy, but not as much as I would have thought, which makes me wonder if on some level they knew he wasn't really "there" and hasn't been for quite some time. This is all going to be a serious test of my organizational skills, or lack thereof. :)

I'm meeting with a lawyer tomorrow just to cover my bases and make sure if I did need to file for sole custody at any time that I can.

It's interesting - in the grand scheme of things, this has been a little easier than I thought it would be. I have moments of desperate sadness and sheer panic, but very few moments of doubting my decision. Keeping those boys and their safety as my #1 priority makes things reasonably black and white.

And...we've made it through a week with no fast food or extra television! Can't say how long those are going to hold, but hey, for now it's an accomplishment.

Again, thanks for all the support. I'm very grateful for this community.