May 19th - Present: CEO, My House

It's a little embarrassing to admit it, but being on my own has been a bit empowering. The reason it's embarrassing is it's not like I was a child bride. I met J when I was 30 and married when I was 32. It's not like I hadn't lived on my own - I had. But I am realizing I'd never lived like an ADULT on my own.

Maybe it's because I was never responsible for more than a couple of cats and a poorly (read: not at all) trained rescue Lab. So if the dishes piled in the sink for a few weeks, no one noticed and it really didn't matter. Laundry was optional, and household repairs were nearly unthinkable. I think I assumed, and mostly correctly so, that eventually someone else would come take care of it. Or I'd get a wild hair and put six months' worth of clothes away in one evening. But if I didn't, it didn't really matter.

Now I am facing the cold, hard facts that I'm a) not living alone; b) responsible for the well-being of two HUMANS, plus two dogs and a cat; and c) not getting any kind of bail out anytime soon. Mom was here for a couple of weeks and was truly a wonderful help, but the reality that I'm going to have to live with from now on is that I am responsible.

I can't believe that at age 38 this is the first time I'm coming to this realization. If I don't do it, it isn't going to get done.

This isn't a giant shift in reality, but it is a giant shift in my perspective. When J was living here, I expected him to do things around the house. But he didn't. So they didn't get done. I am now realizing how little he did do in the last few (SIX) years. He always convinced me that I was the less domestic one, but he was the one who worked 2 years out of 6 and yet managed to never even set up the plastic play structure in the backyard, instead leaving it in a very white-trash-looking pile against the fence, along with the dog poop he never scooped and random vegetables he threw in our yard like it was going to magically transform into a compost pile.

But now I can't bitch. If I don't do it, it isn't going to get done. If I don't brush the boys' teeth, they aren't going to get brushed. If I don't tackle that giant pile of clothes next to my bed, it's going to continue to grow until it eventually sucks me into it.

And the amazing thing is, I've actually accomplished more since assuming my new title on May 19th than I ever did when I had a partner in running our household. There are no dishes in the sink. The laundry is done and folded. I cooked spicy tofu and carrots for dinner. Lunches are made the night before every.single.day. And the play structure is built - it took Mom and I three tries, but dammit it's up and the boys love it.

I feel so accountable, so responsible, and it feels good.