More Updates

Well, it's been a crazy, heartbreaking, soul-crushing and yet somehow empowering few weeks. As of tomorrow, H and I will have been separated for four weeks. He has an apartment, but otherwise has done absolutely nothing to try to 1) address his substance abuse problems or 2) try to save our marriage. In fact he's...dating. Eight years together and six years of marriage, and H is throwing it all away for women he's meeting on sex websites. It's unbelievable.

Last Friday he said he wanted a divorce because he's "lost" and needs to figure out who he is (keep in mind he's 41, not 18). I told him no, that I wouldn't make things easy for him, that if he wanted a divorce he was going to have to file because I wouldn't. He thinks he can end our marriage, see the boys whenever he wants to, and have his man-whore-like social life. I refuse to make that easy for him.

But at the same time, I think I’m done. He’s run through all of our savings in the last few weeks despite my repeated pleas to watch his spending. He’s lied to me – said he’s not drinking at all but I know he is, said he’s never cheated on me but I know he has. He’s done nothing to find a job, get any kind of treatment, or really do anything other than meet other women and complain about how little he sees the boys.

For now, I’m still only letting him see the boys on a supervised basis, in large part because I don’t trust him to be sober. He keeps complaining that I can’t keep them from him, but for now I think that’s best for everyone.

The boys seem to be doing really well. I finally had to sit down with a tearful Will last night and tell him that I don’t know when Daddy will be coming home, but for now he has his own apartment and maybe we can go see it someday.

I’m doing ok too. Some days are ok, some days are worse. I hate the thought of what the rest of our lives look like, particularly when I think about the fact that I might not get to spend Christmas with my boys every year, we’ll never go on that family camping trip, I’ll always have to worry about whether H is sober enough to take care of them and then fight him when he’s not… I’ve had a knot in my stomach all day, every day for the past four weeks. My mom has been here for a week and a half and will have to leave on Saturday, so I have no idea what I’m going to do after that.

Just wanted to keep you all updated. Sorry this turned into a novel!