Watching "The Man" Burn

Burning Man... I went in 2002, and it was one of those totally life-changing experiences. Ever since then, I've watched "The Man" burn via streaming video most years. This year, of all years, I wish I were there. It's all about letting go, and starting over, and hopefully in the process getting even closer to who you are and who you want to be. It's like New Year's Eve - a chance to start over, but I believe on a much deeper level than sipping champagne and kissing whomever happens to be close by.

Here's what I want to let go of right now, as I watch The Man burn...

1) Expectations. I thought my life was going to be a certain way, and it isn't going to be that way. Expectations = suffering. Whatever will be, will be. I am a single mom, I am going to be a divorcee, and my children may even have step-parents and half-siblings someday. I used to think this was all very Jerry Springer, and it is, but it's also reality. My reality. So be it. Burn those expectations.

2) Josh Price, circa May 14, 2005. The man I married. Big sigh... I was so in love. He was hot, protective, sweet, into food and wine, gainfully employed, looking towards our future together with the same positive outlook as I had. I stood in front of 119 people and promised to love him forever, and I will on some level. But he does not exist anymore and he will never, ever exist again. Burn the Josh Price that I married - he is gone.

3) Fear. (Written as the man begins to fall...) The big difference between me now and me in 2002 is that I am, I believe, much closer to the real me. I know what I'm good at, and what I'm not (though I am still surprised occasionally - turns out I am a kick-ass rock climber - who knew?). And because I know myself better, it's time to take some risks. I went rafting last weekend for the first time in seven years, and had an amazing time - beautiful day, great rapids, and great memories. But when we hit the flat section at the end, I JUMPED IN. And stayed in the water for about a half an hour. This is very uncharacteristic of me - in the past, I've done everything possible to stay out of the water. But this time, instead of getting hung up on that moment when you hit the COLD water and it takes your breath away, I decided I wanted to push through that and become more comfortable in the water, which I think would make me a better guide. The result was a moment of shock, but then 29 minutes of floating. Letting the current take me where it may. Feeling weightless. And alive.

Along those lines, I went to a concert on Thursday at the very, very last minute. I was sitting at my desk at Clif Bar on Thursday, knowing Josh had the boys for the night, and couldn't figure out what to do with myself. Nothing felt good - didn't want to go home (because I'd end up being in charge), didn't want to go to a movie, etc. A buddy from b-school posted he had a last-minute extra ticket to a Taylor Swift concert. I sat and stared at the post for 15 minutes. Literally. I don't know the music. I don't really know this classmate well. I'd actually been attracted to him. I had no clue what his status in life is. It was his birthday. It was in San Jose. I'd be very happy watching "Modern Family" on my iPad in bed. But I sucked it up and WENT. It was amazing. The show was incredible, I loved the music (some of which I actually had heard before), I was introduced to a song that captures my heartbreak in a way that no other song has ("Last Kiss"), and I had a fantastic time with the classmate. Mike. I have a new crush. Even if nothing ever comes of it, it was so fun to be truly attracted to someone. We're supposed to get together in a couple of weeks to share a bottle of wine, btw. You never know...

Burn the fear. Take some risks. Maybe even LOTS of risks.

4) Josh Price, circa 2011. I still know what he's up to, for the most part, and I need to just let it go. He's dating someone who is radically different from me. He bought a motorcycle. He bought a bunch of stuff for his apartment. He smokes pot all day, every day. He reeks of pot smoke. He has done nothing to look for a job.

None of this matters. If he shows up for his visits when he's supposed to and pays his child support, that is all I should care about. And it's hard to let go, but I have to. I have to, because it's time to move on. He will never, ever be the person that I thought he could be and thought he should be, and it's time to accept his new role in my life. I never thought this would happen, but it has.

Burn, Baby, Burn. And Happy New Year.

And Now... It's All My Fault

Josh and I had the biggest fight of our relationship tonight. We had our first settlement conference yesterday, and everything seemed to being going well (he signed the visitation order for Tues/Thurs from 5-7 and one weekend day for 8 hours), until my attorney brought up the fact that I might be entitled to part of his pension. I knew this was going to be a sensitive topic for him because he needs that pension in order to never have to actually have a "job" again, but he reacted more violently than I thought he would. Instead of rehashing, here is the email I sent my attorney tonight in hopes of anticipating what might come next:

Joyce,

Thanks again for being so phenomenal in mediating yesterday. I think you did a great job of diffusing all of the slightly uncomfortable situations that came up.

Having said that, Josh is definitely angry, and today we had the biggest fight of our entire history together. He said, "The gloves are off!" and that he's going to fight for more visitation, though he can't explain why he wants it. He says he's going to find a lawyer and fight everything I've asked for. While I still think there's about a 15% chance of him actually finding someone (he made no effort today, based on my sleuthing), there are a few things I want to document while I'm thinking about them:

1) He is very angry that I won't let him have the boys overnight. I told him I've given him two chances to have them and remain sober, and he's failed at both. On July 22nd, 2011, I told him he could have the boys overnight as I had a work dinner to attend and didn't want to have to worry about driving home from San Francisco. He promised and swore up and down that he would remain sober the entire night. I attended the dinner, but at 1 a.m. I had a feeling that I should go home, and was fine to drive, so I drove home. When I opened my garage door, I was greeted with an overwhelming smell of pot (with a little air freshener to try to disguise it). When I went inside, Josh was passed out on the couch. It took me a few minutes to wake him up (he also totally smelled like pot), and when I finally did, he was barely coherent. He said he was going to drive home, but I wouldn't let him. He then passed out again. He clearly was high/stoned to the point where he could not drive or take care of the boys if something had happened.

2) On July 30th, I had a dinner party to attend so Josh was in charge of the boys on Saturday evening. I again asked him to be sober, and he said he'd learned his lesson and yes, no problem, he would remain sober no matter how late I came home. The dinner party ended a little earlier than expected, so I arrived home at 9:45pm to find him smoking pot on my deck. He was very high, so I again asked him not to drive, but this time he refused and insisted on driving home.

When I told him today that he'd had two chances to prove his ability to care for the boys overnight and had failed, he said, "I only did it (smoked pot) to make you mad!" 1) I don't think this is true; and 2) if it is, that proves that he isn't just using for medicinal purposes.

The man has a major problem, and yet he insists he doesn't. He says if we go to court, he's going to bring up the fact that I smoked pot with him, and even encouraged it by giving him a pipe for Christmas. This is true, but that was Christmas of 2009, and at the time he was smoking once a week, not several times a day. Plus, when I did smoke with him, it was only one hit because I didn't like being totally dysfunctional, and it also was at the very most twice a week. He, on the other hand, would have many (7+) hits per night and would end up nearly comatose. And by the time we separated, he was smoking every single day, all day long.

Finally, I am 99% sure that when we met him today, he was high. He was slurring his words, had a dry mouth, and was behaving erratically. I am now really hoping it's just pot, but am concerned it may be escalating.

I am hoping he won't follow through on contesting visitation, but just wanted to have these arrows in our quiver in case he does. This is all because we are "going after" his pension, by the way. I told him we aren't going after anything, just following what the law says.

Just wanted to keep you up to date. Thank you again for all of your help!

Take care,
Blair

The part of the fight that I left out was when Josh threatened to move away. I know from my sleuthing that he is thinking about moving out to the foothills, approximately 2 hours away. I am not 100% sure why, but I think it's partially because of his new "girlfriend" (with the demon tattooed on her chest) and partially because it's cheaper, but I'm guessing it's mostly because he can afford to live there without working. When he said he might move, I told him that was fine by me, and that I'd actually prefer it if he settled in Mars. Upon reflection, that might even be too close.

But the total irony of all of this is that Josh kept saying, "You can't control me anymore." What? Since when did I ever control him? i seriously think he believes that I tried to steer his behavior. Well, if that means encouraging him to get a job, then yes, I did. But I also was 100% supportive of him through his whole retirement, NEVER pressured him to find something to do until after the RWC salary ended, and supported his decision to spend $20k+ on helicopter school (and it would have been more if it were up to Josh) because he needed to feel "good" at something. I took care of him after his cortisone injections and surgery (while also caring for his children). I deliberately never pressured him to do anything because I wanted him to find what was going to make him happy in the long run.

And yet, he still felt inadequate. And I am guessing my happiness and success with Clif Bar magnified that. I'm sorry, but I don't think there are many other spouses in the world that would have allowed their partners to not work, not take care of the kids, and not do anything around the house in order to "find" themselves.

But I was more successful, and that killed him, even though I TOTALLY downplayed it.

The final blow today was when he told him I owe him spousal support. This is true, under California law. But OH MY GOD REALLY?? You leave your wife and two really young sons to pursue a life of drugs and cheap women, you give them NOTHING for three months, you refuse rehab, AA, and any attempts to try to save your marriage, and then you take money from your wife because she has the nerve to actually work? Un. Real.

"I Feel Your Pain..."

The last few nights have been really difficult. Who am I kidding, the last few MONTHS have been difficult. But the boys are being particularly challenging right now - Sam won't nap, and Will won't go to sleep at night. I know they're both wired/stressed out/sad/angry/etc, but I feel like I still need to enforce the rules or they're going to end up walking all over me for the next 18+ years.

In the middle of all of this, Josh is completely out of touch. I know he's with one of his women. He's reached out ONCE in the last 48 hours, and this is how the interaction went:

J: "How is everything?"
Me: "Well, it's tough. Will had a great day, but Sam didn't nap and is being difficult. Hopefully we'll have an early bedtime."
J: "Well, tomorrow I'll be feeling your pain."
Me:"Heh. Yeah."

What I wanted to say was:

No, you won't. You see the boys about 16 hours per week right now. There are 168 hours in a week. That means you see them 9.5% of the week. But let's break that down even further....

You put them to bed 2-3 times per week. I put them to bed 5-7 times per week, in large part because I don't think you can handle it. And I'm right. And how many times per week do you handle the morning routine? None. Not one. Because you aren't sober enough to wake up in time to help. In fact, based on my research, you rarely wake up before 10 a.m. I feel blessed and lucky if I get to sleep until 7, which almost never happens.

Oh, and Josh, how many times per night do the boys wake up? That's right, you don't know, because you haven't spent the night in charge of them since early May (and let's be honest, before then you never got up anyway). Due to your departure, Will wakes up an average of once per night, and Sam usually wakes up twice. This means I have not slept more than four hours in a row since May. And when they do wake up, they are usually screaming for you, because they know you are gone. I can soothe them, but it takes a while.

When was the last time you did their laundry? While I appreciate your trying to make their lunches twice a week, I generally have to fix some piece of it (you forgot the drink, or you didn't label things properly). And let's not even start about the state of the house when you leave. It's ridiculous. But don't worry - I'll clean it up. Sometime before I go to work for 8+ hours and then take care of your children.

So no, you won't feel my pain tomorrow. The pain you feel is that of someone who doesn't really want to be a father. It's an inconvenience to have to deal with your children for 16 hours/week. And if you do feel pain, I'm sure you'll numb it with drugs before it hurts too much. I don't have that luxury - I'm still in charge of our children.

Asshole.

I Want To...

I want to:

1) Go to Vegas: For several years, I've be totally over Sin City. But suddenly, I want to go, stay in a gorgeous hotel room, eat at *nearly* unbelievable restaurants (I still contend they aren't ever as good as the originals), lay by the pool, and feel like I'm totally indulging in ME. I have no desire to gamble, but I want to feel like I have no responsibilities. At all.

2) Go to Colorado. Road trip. I've always picked up and driven to see Jan and Bill when I'm at transitional periods in my life. I actually want to bring Will and Sam along for this adventure. Maybe we can have our first hotel experience along the way, somewhere in rural Nevada where we can hole up in a cheap room and eat delivery pizza and sleep all three of us in a king-sized motel bed.

3) Go to Burning Man. I want to feel free - free to do/be/act/live exactly how I want to for a few days. Wear what I want, breathe dust, hear house music, watch people, meet people, close my eyes and feel ALIVE. Be out when I want to be out, or hiding in my tent when I want to feel small. To feel that total lack of judgement, if it still exists now that there are 50,000 people there, would be amazing.

I think this is all just a desire to have a departure from what my reality is right now. I don't see a break anytime in my future. Not even for one night.

This past Friday night, I asked Josh to take the boys overnight for the first time by himself since we separated. I wanted to go have dinner with a friend, and not feel like I needed to drive home. I wanted to sleep past 7 a.m. Josh said he was thrilled, and promised to stay 100% sober and totally in charge of taking care of the boys. He promised me "no weed and no wine" multiple times.

I went away, had dinner, had some wine, and suddenly had the feeling that I needed to go home. Immediately. Now. Luckily I sober enough to drive, so I went home at 2 a.m. When I opened the garage door, I was greeted with the overwhelming smell of pot vaguely concealed with air freshener. Josh was stoned out of his mind. He barely woke up when I walked in the door.

So now I can't leave the boys overnight with him at all. At least until he gets some kind of help. That's probably why I'm feeling the need for freedom, because now I know I'm 100% in charge, at least for the foreseeable future. I'm not bitter, believe me - I'd much rather know my boys are safe. But it's a darn shame for all of us that their father is such a screw-up.

It Finally Happened...

I guess I shouldn't be surprised, and I definitely shouldn't be as sad as I am feeling right now. But for the first time, Josh didn't check in with us once today. Not one call, not even one measly text making sure everyone was ok. Nothing.

And yet he's sent upwards of 300 texts to random women today.

Those are some seriously fucked up priorities.

Grace and Class

I hate Josh. I mean, HATE. I hate what he's done to me, and especially to our boys. I think he is a selfish, disgusting, awful human being.

My mantra since the beginning of all of this has been, "Grace and Class." I am going to handle all of this with Grace and Class. Well, that's all well and good until I'm up four nights in a row at 3 a.m. with a 2-year-old who is screaming, "I WANT MY DADDY!" and I'm getting calls from the 4-year-old's school because he's acting out and they BOTH are constantly asking me when I'm going to leave them...

So I sent him a series of very, very nasty texts tonight. I told him he's ruining our children and that he's destroyed our lives. Not so graceful or classy. But I felt like he needed to hear how much he's hurt me and, more importantly, is hurting our boys.

Asshat.

I'm filing for divorce sometime in the next three weeks. I never, ever, in a million years thought my life was going to turn out like this.

Strength (Part 2)

So many people keep telling me how strong I am. Well, I'm not. Here's a perfect example:

Josh has been quite charming lately. He shows up on time, sober, and ready to help with is visits with the kiddos. He tells me how much he wants me, and how great I look. He alludes to how much he would love to soak in our bath tub (which I haven't had the gumption to use since he left), and how it would be way better if he weren't alone.

Tonight, I was ready to give in. Hell, I'm human, and it's been almost two months. I would LOVE the touch of another human being who frankly wasn't 2. So I asked him to stay, and made it pretty clear it would be worth his while.

However, after putting the boys down for the night, Josh BOLTED. He left before I was even finished rocking Sam. Gone.

I was confused, so I texted him saying, "Uh... bye?" He said he had to get home to take his meds and ice his neck. I believed him. Until I thought about it a little realized... he totally had a date. Mutherfucker had a date.

I feel like the biggest idiot EVER. Here I was, ready to give him the ultimate in marital comforts, and he not only lied to me but then left to see another woman. I honestly thought we were getting a little closer, maybe even approaching the idea of mending some fences.

I often blame being naive and expecting the best from people on being from Ohio. Midwesterners, on the whole, tend to be good, wholesome people who assume that people are good and wait to be proven otherwise. I guess my next question is how many times do I need to proven otherwise?

FML.

So I texted him the following (because he really has been in pain lately):

"...something to think about - if you have to have surgery again, who do you want there when you wake up? If we are going to divorce, I love you but I will not be there to take care of you."

I also told him that Will asked me tonight if Daddy left because he doesn't love us anymore. That was one of the more brutal questions I've had to answer in a LONG time.

So the answer is no, I'm not strong. I may be stronger tomorrow due to my (almost) weakness tonight, but overall I am not a strong person.

We Destroy More Before 8 a.m. Than Most People Do All Day

Before 8 a.m. this morning, the following things happened:

1) DS1 set off the house alarm, while I was in the shower with soap in my hair. I had to get out, turn it off, and Google our alarm company to call them off since they still call "D"H and I knew he wouldn't answer the phone. Finally got them, they called off the police. Back in the shower until...

2) My phone rings again. It's only 6:30a, so I jump out with conditioner in my hair to answer it. Because of the alarm noise, our dog has jumped the fence and is two blocks away. Long blocks. Up hill. I throw on my hideous purple robe, and run barefoot to rescue the dog.

3) I arrive back at my house to find that DS1 has shut and locked the front door. He is now playing happily with his Buzz Lightyear. It takes him a good 5 minutes to finally come let me back in.

4) Back in the shower. Rinse. Phone rings again. REALLY? It's my mother. My cousin tried to kill herself last night by drinking a bottle of rubbing alcohol. She's probably going to be ok, but wow.

5) I hang up the phone with Mom after about five minutes and realize it's WAAAAYY too quiet. I go into DS2's room, where he and DS1 look really, really guilty. They've eaten an entire bottle of Hyland's teething tablets that DS1 retrieved via step stool from the very top of his dresser (no idea why I still had them). Hello, Poison Control? Luckily both PC and the manufacturer said they'd have to eat six bottles each to hurt themselves but still HOLY HELL.

6) I've had it. Everyone dressed, air-drying my hair, slam down some waffles with peanut butter for breakfast, they actually eat which is a miracle, out the door to the car and.... the sprinklers are on, which is way too much for a 2-year-old to resist. Back inside, new outfit for DS2, back to the car, STRAP THEM IN and off we went.

I can laugh now, but only sort-of, because it's now almost 10:30a and "D"H still hasn't answered any text messages which means the f*cker is still asleep.

May 19th - Present: CEO, My House

It's a little embarrassing to admit it, but being on my own has been a bit empowering. The reason it's embarrassing is it's not like I was a child bride. I met J when I was 30 and married when I was 32. It's not like I hadn't lived on my own - I had. But I am realizing I'd never lived like an ADULT on my own.

Maybe it's because I was never responsible for more than a couple of cats and a poorly (read: not at all) trained rescue Lab. So if the dishes piled in the sink for a few weeks, no one noticed and it really didn't matter. Laundry was optional, and household repairs were nearly unthinkable. I think I assumed, and mostly correctly so, that eventually someone else would come take care of it. Or I'd get a wild hair and put six months' worth of clothes away in one evening. But if I didn't, it didn't really matter.

Now I am facing the cold, hard facts that I'm a) not living alone; b) responsible for the well-being of two HUMANS, plus two dogs and a cat; and c) not getting any kind of bail out anytime soon. Mom was here for a couple of weeks and was truly a wonderful help, but the reality that I'm going to have to live with from now on is that I am responsible.

I can't believe that at age 38 this is the first time I'm coming to this realization. If I don't do it, it isn't going to get done.

This isn't a giant shift in reality, but it is a giant shift in my perspective. When J was living here, I expected him to do things around the house. But he didn't. So they didn't get done. I am now realizing how little he did do in the last few (SIX) years. He always convinced me that I was the less domestic one, but he was the one who worked 2 years out of 6 and yet managed to never even set up the plastic play structure in the backyard, instead leaving it in a very white-trash-looking pile against the fence, along with the dog poop he never scooped and random vegetables he threw in our yard like it was going to magically transform into a compost pile.

But now I can't bitch. If I don't do it, it isn't going to get done. If I don't brush the boys' teeth, they aren't going to get brushed. If I don't tackle that giant pile of clothes next to my bed, it's going to continue to grow until it eventually sucks me into it.

And the amazing thing is, I've actually accomplished more since assuming my new title on May 19th than I ever did when I had a partner in running our household. There are no dishes in the sink. The laundry is done and folded. I cooked spicy tofu and carrots for dinner. Lunches are made the night before every.single.day. And the play structure is built - it took Mom and I three tries, but dammit it's up and the boys love it.

I feel so accountable, so responsible, and it feels good.

Graduation

It's that time of year, when we are inundated with messages for those who are making transitions in their lives. Namely, graduation. Every year I end up seeing snippets of some of the most humorous or profound speeches, and usually they have lots to do with following your dreams and never giving up, etc.

This year, I've seen two speeches, and they were both quite different. They were about what happens when you, God forbid, FAIL. What happens when life doesn't turn out exactly how you thought it would. These are pretty heavy thoughts for young, idealistic folks to digest, but so unbelievably relevant to where I am right now.

The first speech was given by 18-year-old Flora Morofsky, our long-time babysitter and one of the brightest, most wonderful young women I've ever met. She is just a good girl. If I had a daughter, I would hope, beg and pray that she turned out like Flora. Having said that, I hope she parties like a rock star at UCSB.

In her speech, she talked about that "defining moment" when she found out she had been denied at what she thought was her dream college. She talked about how she ultimately believes she will be attending a much better school, and though it was difficult for her to think about "Plan B," she now looks forward to it. I have a feeling she's right - her first school was very trade-focused, and I have a feeling her plans for her career may change in the next four years (I thought I wanted to be a Psychology major!).

She said our lives are defined by how we choose to respond to these "defining moments" - how we move forward when things don't go as planned.

The second speech was Conan O'Brian's speech to the Dartmouth Class of 2011. I watched on youtube after several recommendations on Facebook. Conan spoke very frankly about his "failure" as host of The Tonight Show. He said twelve years ago he'd told Harvard Grads "Don't fear failure," but now he takes it one step further - Failure will happen. It's all about what you do with it. It's ok for your dreams and your life to change, and often it provides the best opportunities that we would not have had if things had gone how we'd "planned."

A few Conan quotes that really hit home:

"There are few things more liberating in life than having your worst fear realized."

"It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us."

"Your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound reinvention."

The failure of my marriage is probably going to end up being (I hope) the biggest failure of my life. It's very fresh, very new, and so I'm not going to pretend that I'm doing great things with my new-found life. I'm grieving. This sucks. But I'm hoping that, as life is giving me the proverbial lemons, I can choose not to squeeze them onto my paper cuts, and instead make an absolutely phenomenal Lemon Drop.

Confirmation

So... tonight he accidentally texted me instead of the other woman. All the message said was, "Hey that was fun thanks! I made it to the fwy" but it was enough to confirm to me that he is seeing another (several other?) woman.

Even though I'd had my suspicions, and had confirmed them with a friend sighting, it still REALLY hurt. For so many reasons:

- He really is dating. I know he'd use another word for it, but that's what it is. Dating. Less than a month after our separation after EIGHT years and two children together.

- He really is a liar. He told me with a straight face on Thursday night that he wasn't going to see other women because he needed to focus on himself. It didn't sit right with me at the time, so I left. Now I know why.

- I think it's really, for sure, OVER. Friends and relatives (Mom) would have told me this a few weeks ago. But I'd always said if he cheated on me, it was over, and now apparently, blatantly, clearly and irrefutably, it's over.

I texted him tonight saying how painful this all is, and he again said he hasn't been cheating. It's amazing to me that his definition of cheating is so limited, so narrow. I know because of his Dad's infidelities that DH is very much opposed to the word, but I told him tonight that if he's been seeing other women, he's been cheating.

I just hope i haven't just given him the permission to go fuck them all, but in reality he probably didn't need it.

I just hate that it's Saturday night and I'm sitting home alone, watching his children, taking care of his animals, and he's out.

Is it bad that I wish he would just go away?

Strength

Last weekend, I asked DH if he would be willing to enter an inpatient treatment program to address his issues with addiction. I by no means think this is the ultimate solution, but I do think it would be an excellent opportunity for him to completely unplug and focus on himself.

At first, he said he didn't need it and didn't have a problem. By the end of our conversation, though, he said he would consider it.

After his therapy appointment on Wednesday, DH said he had some insights and wanted to talk to me about them. I was cautiously optimistic, but still guarded when we met.

Essentially, he wanted to tell me that he didn't need treatment. That he doesn't have a problem. That he needs to figure this all out by himself. He said even our therapist agreed that inpatient treatment wouldn't help him at this point.

I then asked him if he was going to continue to date. He said absolutely not. He said he'd never cheated. He said he hadn't even kissed another woman.

I looked at him. The way he couldn't maintain eye contact with me. The way he kept shifting in his chair. I reminded myself that I know him better than ANYONE else in the world. And I stood up and left.

I told him very calmly that I was leaving. It was not a good use of either of our time for me to sit and listen to him lie. That there was no reason for us to have any contact at all as long as he can't be honest with me. He at least owes me that much.

It felt great. Scary, but great. I was basing my conclusions on no real evidence, but I know I'm right - he is lying. And I have SO many better things I should be doing with my precious time than listening to him shovel his bullshit.

He was shocked, and I understand why. It's never been in my nature to be that direct.

That made it feel even better.

So on Facebook last week someone posted about "Take No Shit" day and I RSVP'd. I think from now on, when it comes to DH, every day is going to be "Take No Shit" Day. No reason at all for it to be otherwise.

More Updates

Well, it's been a crazy, heartbreaking, soul-crushing and yet somehow empowering few weeks. As of tomorrow, H and I will have been separated for four weeks. He has an apartment, but otherwise has done absolutely nothing to try to 1) address his substance abuse problems or 2) try to save our marriage. In fact he's...dating. Eight years together and six years of marriage, and H is throwing it all away for women he's meeting on sex websites. It's unbelievable.

Last Friday he said he wanted a divorce because he's "lost" and needs to figure out who he is (keep in mind he's 41, not 18). I told him no, that I wouldn't make things easy for him, that if he wanted a divorce he was going to have to file because I wouldn't. He thinks he can end our marriage, see the boys whenever he wants to, and have his man-whore-like social life. I refuse to make that easy for him.

But at the same time, I think I’m done. He’s run through all of our savings in the last few weeks despite my repeated pleas to watch his spending. He’s lied to me – said he’s not drinking at all but I know he is, said he’s never cheated on me but I know he has. He’s done nothing to find a job, get any kind of treatment, or really do anything other than meet other women and complain about how little he sees the boys.

For now, I’m still only letting him see the boys on a supervised basis, in large part because I don’t trust him to be sober. He keeps complaining that I can’t keep them from him, but for now I think that’s best for everyone.

The boys seem to be doing really well. I finally had to sit down with a tearful Will last night and tell him that I don’t know when Daddy will be coming home, but for now he has his own apartment and maybe we can go see it someday.

I’m doing ok too. Some days are ok, some days are worse. I hate the thought of what the rest of our lives look like, particularly when I think about the fact that I might not get to spend Christmas with my boys every year, we’ll never go on that family camping trip, I’ll always have to worry about whether H is sober enough to take care of them and then fight him when he’s not… I’ve had a knot in my stomach all day, every day for the past four weeks. My mom has been here for a week and a half and will have to leave on Saturday, so I have no idea what I’m going to do after that.

Just wanted to keep you all updated. Sorry this turned into a novel!

Signs You're a Single Mom

1) There are three times as many multicolored, plastic plates in the dishwasher as there are normal china plates.

2) The bottle of Chardonnay in the fridge has been open for a week because you usually pass out before you even get to it.

3) You suddenly have amazing, unprecedented organizational skills. Everything is in order, in its place, and completed days before its due date. And yet you forget to give your kid milk in the morning and end up in the Burger King drive through.

4) In honor of National Chardonnay Day, you expertly pair 2007 Beringer Stanly Ranch Chardonnay with cold Kraft Macaroni and Cheese that you scrape from the bottom of the saucepan.

5) Every time you think you can't handle it, somehow, someway you do. And you feel stronger than you ever have in your life for it.

Updates

First of all, I want to thank you all SO much for the outpouring of support last week. You guys were the first people I told, and I can't explain how much your responses, emails and FB messages have helped me be strong this week.

The short update is I'm doing okay. DH has been out of the house for a week now, and we've agreed to a six-month separation. Over the course of the week, a few things have come to light about his drinking problem, and it's actually much, much worse than I thought. I don't want to go into too much detail, but it became very clear that I cannot let him drive with the boys anymore, and for right now I'm only letting him see them for short periods of time with the understanding that he be 100% sober and stay that way while visiting.

DH is, needless to say, unbelievably remorseful. He swears up and down that he's never cheated on me. He cries when I see him and when we talk, which isn't very often right now. But as I've told him, I have ZERO trust in him right now.

The reality is, he's sick. He needs help. He thinks if he goes to a few AA meetings then everything is going to be ok, but it's not. Hence the 6-month separation - he needs to pull his life together (sobriety, JOB, etc.), and even then it may not be enough to restore what we've lost.

So I'm hanging in there. Being a suddenly single mom has been a challenge, particularly because i have two boys in separate preschools and my commute is an hour (but luckily I'm a contractor, so I've just cut my hours back a bit and am trying to get used to doing work at home late at night). I'm really tired, but primarily because both boys are waking up multiple times per night, S with a cough and W missing Daddy (finally just had him sleep with me last night - probably not entirely wise, but working fine for now). The boys definitely miss Daddy, but not as much as I would have thought, which makes me wonder if on some level they knew he wasn't really "there" and hasn't been for quite some time. This is all going to be a serious test of my organizational skills, or lack thereof. :)

I'm meeting with a lawyer tomorrow just to cover my bases and make sure if I did need to file for sole custody at any time that I can.

It's interesting - in the grand scheme of things, this has been a little easier than I thought it would be. I have moments of desperate sadness and sheer panic, but very few moments of doubting my decision. Keeping those boys and their safety as my #1 priority makes things reasonably black and white.

And...we've made it through a week with no fast food or extra television! Can't say how long those are going to hold, but hey, for now it's an accomplishment.

Again, thanks for all the support. I'm very grateful for this community.

My Situation

So I've had a glass of wine, which is why I have the nerve to post this. I'm a big believer in being honest and open, in hopes that I prevent others from making the same mistakes I make.

Anyway... "D"H and I are separated. I went out of town for a few days to visit a friend who has a baby in the NICU in a strange city. I got back yesterday, and was up with DS2 in the middle of the night. I couldn't go back to sleep, so I hopped on our home computer at 3 a.m. DH's email was up, and I saw that while I was gone he solicited prostitutes to come to OUR HOME while DS2 was sleeping (DS1 was with me).

I found this out at 3 a.m. By 5 a.m., I'd found several accounts he'd set up on adult "dating" websites as well as a lengthy email train with an ex girlfriend and evidence of a multiple-hour phone call.

I woke him up at 5:45a and told him to get out. So he's gone. He left me a long, tearful voicemail this afternoon saying he was so drunk he doesn't remember contacting the hookers (and he was in charge of DS2 at the time??!!) and that he didn't go through with it. I told him he is not to contact me or our boys until I reach out to him, which probably won't be until next week.

This isn't the first time I've caught him being totally inappropriate online, and I feel like the trust is completely gone. I alluded in CW a few weeks ago to the fact that he has a major drinking/substance abuse problem and this is just the final straw.

My sister is coming tomorrow to help with the boys for the weekend, and hopefully I'll have a little time to clear my head and figure out what comes next.

I'm sad, REALLY ANGRY, and mostly just so, so worried about my boys. I don't want them to pay for my mistakes, but I guess that's inevitable at this point. And I'm terrified of life as a single mom, but I'll hopefully figure that part out (anyone want to come be my free nanny?).

If anyone has any kind of advice, I welcome it all with an open mind and heart. Otherwise a hug or two would be so appreciated right now.